I’ve heard all of my housemates have sex and they’ve all heard me have sex. In fact, we’ve heard it all: groaning, flesh slapping (vom), beds squeaking, beds banging …. you get it. Even though it’s “bantz” most of the time it can get awkward when you know that you’re about to get down to it and the whole house can hear, knowing that you’ll walk downstairs to everyone’s face like: 

Or, if it’s been a particularly wild one:

Once I had been with my boyfriend for a while, I decided to try out some positions that would keep noise to the minimum but the pleasure to a maximum (I say that in a Paddy from Take Me Out voice, for some reason). Bring in a mate who is great with graphic design and you’ve got yourself a guide.

Whilst these positions worked in my room, you might need to do a bit of research around your own space: squeaky floorboard and that sort of thing. You know the drill.

1.OK, not a sex position, but a 69 is the perfect thing to get you both warmed up and is far quieter than most sex positions. Investing in a flavoured lube can really spice this up… and they’re really tasty.

2. Lads, sit cross-legged, and ladies, get on top and wrap your legs around their back. Make it more fun by adding a Vibrating Cock Ring as you can place the vibrator right by yours/the girls clitoris.

2. Face each other whilst laying on your sides. Girls, wrap your legs around the top of the guys hip (or wherever, depending on flexibility!) and then pull your bodies closer. This also works well (and quiet!) in a spooning position. 

3. Why not provide yourself with some exciting flashbacks the next day whilst you’re sat at your desk, bored shitless. Granted, this one is foreplay so even quieter but after the guy is done, sit him on the chair and grind on top of him. Again, ensure that the chair isn’t on a squeaky part of your floor.

4. Doggy style on the floor - Again, a little prep to find out what’s the best area to do this plus adding a duvet or pillow underneath can make for an amazing, quiet finish. 

5. Spooning

Minimal noise, super intimate and always a winner. Perfect for an in the middle of the night romp.

So, there you have it, five sex positions that can help to minimise the noise and potential cringe. Enjoy!

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Written by Emily-Jo Thomas, 9 months ago