I don't need an inspirational post…I need coffee.

Ah, caffeine. Gone are the youthful days of chugging a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato with extra syrup and all the whipped cream, in an attempt to cheat your taste buds into liking coffee, because it’s cool. Fast-forward through to alcohol poisoning before a 9am seminar, and caffeine is no longer gulped because it looks arty in a Snapchat. Caffeine is life. Whether your vice is instant Kenko or freshly brewed South American beans, this stuff runs through our blood as a matter of actual necessity. If you’re a hard-core addict though, stop reading now, because these caffeine realities might just ruin the bittersweet taste of your next Americano. 

It might kill you

Drinking a several cups of coffee a day can increase your likelihood of death by up to 20% and is likely to accompany other addictions (ciggy and coffee break, anyone?). The stuff might get you through day-to-day, but you might just be drinking yourself into an early grave in between withdrawal shakes.

It makes you hyperactive

Can’t sit still? Can’t concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes? Those espresso shots are giving you more crazed, nervous energy than your body can deal with. You’ll start talking 50 miles an hour while tapping your feet and fingers repeatedly, pissing off everyone in the library. If your eyes start bulging, you should probably start re-evaluating your life. 

Insomnia is inevitable 

Great for chugging whilst pulling an all-nighter, terrible if your caffeine habit has become so normalised, you’re still enjoying a sneaky cup at 8pm. It will fuck up your sleeping habit so bad, you’ll exist in an otherworldly state of fatigue and splitting headaches in between your next hit. Are caffeine anonymous meetings a thing? You might just need one.  

Anxiety, anyone? 

If you’re already on the verge of a meltdown, don’t cut the rope and seek solace at the bottom of venti, dry, skinny, extra hot cappuccino with an extra shot. You won’t find the energy you’re looking for, rather, you’ll probably end up crying on the bus (true story).

Coffee snob syndrome

You’ll develop a hatred of instant coffee, and refuse to drink anything but freshly ground beans. If you’re served a shitty espresso shot, you’ll know it, and it will ruin your whole day. 

It will make you broke

Its 8:30am and you’re crawling out of the door in last night’s make-up and a pair of leggings picked up from your bedroom floor. Do you have time to fuss with your cafetiere? No. Are you going to suffer this 3-hour Media Law lecture without a morning brew? Definitely not. But all is not lost, Costa happens to be on your route. Costa also now happens to possess the entirety of your student loan. You’re £800 deep into your overdraft, do you care? No. 

Have you got a story that will inspire or entertain students? We want to hear from you! Email joinus@myunibasics.co.uk  

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Written by Emily Jones, 9 months ago