Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimised by Donald Trump.

The wise words go: If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. So let’s laugh at Donald Trump and pretend his impending presidency isn’t scaring the shit out of you. I mean, what else can you do?

1. “If you dont tell people about your success, they probably wont know about it”

Well if that isn’t sound logic right there I don’t know what is.

2. “While Bette Midler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.”

And it is for your tolerant, non-misogynistic, politically correct and completely non-hypocritical ways that we love you so so much. Never change xoxo

3. “I can’t help it that I’m a celebrity. What am I going to do, hide under a stone?”

Thanks, Donald, that would be greeeeat…

4. “To be blunt, people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I’m so good looking.” 

*tumbleweed*

5. “It’s really cold outside (…) Man, we could use a big fat dose of Global Warming!”

You read my mind, dude. Let’s rip a couple more holes in the O-Zone layer to up the heat and keep your “natural tan” on point.

6. “We’ll be  fine with the environment. We can leave a little bit, but you can’t destroy businesses.”

And again, you’re so right. Who needs oxygen, trees and animals when we have Trump Tower and McDonalds?

7. ” It’s like in golf. A lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.” (This is about gay marriage in case you’re as baffled as us).

Bu-…. I don-… Like, what are you even saying?

8. “Twenty five schools are better than us at eduction. And some of them are, like, third world countries”

How interesting. Please, like, tell me more about your (horrific) plans for education, like?

9. “The concept of shaking hands is terrible, and statistically I’ve been proved right.”

And you can’t argue with Stats by Trump *Volume I coming soon to stores near you*

10. “My twitter has become so powerful I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”

I don’t know about you guys, but strong twitter trolling skills is EXACTLY what I look for in my US President.

11. “I want five children (…) Because with five I know one of them is guaranteed to turn out like me.”

Volume II: When Stats by Trump gets hella scary. Thank *insert deity here* that isn’t quite how genetics work…

12. “If Obama resigns from office NOW (…) I’ll give him lifetime free golf at any of my courses.”

One can only wonder why oh why Obama wouldn’t have accepted such a compelling offer?! If only he was as clever and sensible as Trump.

Oh, America.


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Written by Teri Howells, 10 months ago
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