“What To Do If You Want To Move Out”
That Drunk Girl
You can socialise in a massive group or hide in your kitchen, but either way she will find you. The typical drunk girl will absolutely not recognise you sober, even though you can recite the name of the dog she left at home, her cheating ex boyfriend and her favourite drinks off by heart. There will be tears, and an obvious love for vodka and/or wine. Not knowing how to repay you for your involuntary help, you will have all kinds of spirits offered to you, or become her ‘best friend’. Never really leaves her room before 4pm, quiet as a mouse when approached and is never seen in lectures. You wish she’d be less timid, as you have some good times to reminisce over, if she remembers.
Common traits – drugstore make up and a constantly smashed iPhone screen
You know their name and not much else. This person will literally be paying thousands in rent to sleep opposite your room, and they’re not really sure why they’re bothering. The only time you’ll remember that your flat has an extra person is when the rare bit of Camembert or ready made lasagne appears on their fridge shelf, except for when second semester arrives and people start taking up their space after the acceptance that they’ll never be a true flat member. They’re actually really friendly and are usually just caught up in a demanding job or staying with their other half far too often. You’ll have really vague conversations on the rare occasion they come in drunk enough to sit down in the kitchen and talk.. There will be several times when the fire alarm goes off and they emerge to stand outside, and you feel really bad that you didn’t know they were in. By the end of the year, the kitchen will erupt in applause at the mere sight of their return.
Common traits – always tired, faster than any human being
They’ve probably been waiting their whole life for the chance to attend University, and read every Buzzfeed article you can find on how to live in a cheap, efficient and independent way. The student will have the cheapest everything, from toilet roll to soap and the most simple cutlery you can find. Cutbacks are made in terms of healthy food and shampoo where money is splurged on Schnapps or Ciroc Vodka. You’ve never seen them without a hoodie on. You’re pretty sure they never really know where they’re going or what they’re doing but that’s completely okay. Unless it’s to a lecture, pyjamas or joggers are mandatory. Their sleeping hours range from 4-10am and they love burnt toast. The student is what makes the whole University experience laughable, as they have that amazing quality of being able to laugh at themselves too.
Common trait – almost always holding a bottle of juice
They’ve got seven credit cards and only one is theirs. The likelihood is their dad’s a surgeon or a government official and it apparently isn’t that impressive but it really is. Money is no object to them, and you are amazed as he or she forks out more money just for pre-diced onions or beans with less refined sugar - you want to be them. They will never understand why some nights taxis aren’t an affordable option, or why most people settle with Echo Falls or Frosty Jacks if the money’s tight. ‘I’ll just pay’ is a phrase you’ll get if you’re lucky enough to be their mate, and they don’t even worry about lending you money if you’re stuck. They may also lack skills like how to operate an electric hob or how to wash their own clothes in the laundry room. Never fear, you can teach them and it brings you closer together.
Common traits – designer accessories and a car at uni
This one will do
your head in. Big and burly with the most potent accent around, Freshers
ended months ago but he doesn’t seem to have realised yet. Your
body clock will begin to wake you up around 3am as you start to
expect a disturbance so much. He has a whole day of lectures on the
Tuesday but that won’t stop him going out Monday night either. This
guy runs on so little sleep and doesn’t seem to care, and
legitimately questions why everyone else around him looks like a
zombie. He doesn’t do it to wind you up, and is actually quite lovely. You want to go out and wake him up so he knows what it feels like, but a) you’re
never out that late if you have lectures the next day, and b) when
you do find an appropriate day, he won’t actually care and will
probably join in making the noise.
This guy is completely indestructible, but regardless of how drunk he gets, he will always find his way back to the flat just in time to make noise. Sometimes though, it is quite funny. During Freshers, you’ll believe he’s genuinely sorry, but by January it’ll just go over your head. He’s in a ridiculous amount of debt with two maxed out overdrafts but he thinks it’s comical and apparently his parents don’t seem to mind. He also never cleans the kitchen, doesn’t realise that we have to take the bins out, and is not physically bothered by anything a regular student would be annoyed by. You’ll never meet another guy like him and despite previous annoyances he’ll always give you the biggest hug after a Uni break.
Common traits – can find humour in every situation, never looks tired
She’s got this
assessment nailed and you know she has. You thoroughly believe that
even she knows she has. But she can’t shake off this feeling of
angst and it makes you feel like you should be worried more. She
isn’t getting enough sleep and always retires to her room believing
she’s getting nothing done when you know full well that her nothing
is more productive than your something. She will get consistent good
grades, yet every single time put it down to pure luck. It’s heartbreaking to see someone doubt themselves as much as she does.
Surely she must know she’s that good? Yet she always says that she hasn’t got any work done, or how she’s procrastinated for days on end. Whatever course you’re both studying, she’s done the A Level and nailed that as well. You wish it was in her personality to just believe in herself and not overwork excessively. She keeps buying work related books off Amazon with the excuse ‘they were going cheap’ and after a while her stress becomes contagious. She’s absolutely lovely but getting your marks back makes you think that she must look down on you if she believes she’s not done well enough. Either has really strict parents with high expectations or was the renowned smart girl in sixth form and found a love for that identity. Most lovely person ever, always overly caring and offers to help with your work all the time.
Common traits – cashmere jumpers, exceptional posture
Metal is love, metal is life
you’ve never met them. They might be mutual friends with somebody
you know, on your course group chat or if you’re unlucky enough,
you live with them. I’m a particular fan of metal and alternative
music, so don’t take this as a personal vendetta against all breeds
of fans. However, nobody will arrive at Uni without encountering
somebody that should have grown out of their emo phase a long time
ago. They will always answer questions in a way that affirms they like
heavy music. No one on the group chat knows of the city’s best rock
bars, or the link for ticket sales, but there’s no harm in asking again, right?
They’ll stick their tongue out or use the devil horns in any club selfie even if it’s on the Pryzm dance floor, and to be honest, their dedication is admirable. Whenever they’re drunk it’s on Jack Daniel’s or Jagermeister, and if they don’t have half a rock song as their caption on Instagram, it didn’t happen. You wish that you could bond over more than just music but there doesn’t seem to be anything else to bond with.
Common traits – leather jacket, loves messaging group chats when drunk
Klutz with no sense of volume
They have no concept of their own voice and the volume they speak at. You actually become grateful when your 9ams coincide so you’re not in bed when they enter the kitchen for breakfast. Nothing can be done quietly, and it’s got to February and half of your crockery has been shattered on the floor, but they’re so apologetic you actually start to laugh about it. More than likely, they’ve smashed something of their own and gone to buy a replacement then smashed that on the way back as well, but it makes such a funny story. Always flustered and never knowing if they’re coming or going, if they say hello and you’re not aware of their presence, the sound will make you jump. When they have a few drinks, their voice booms but no way of telling them to quieten down will enforce a new level of acceptable volume, but they always have the loveliest things to say and are dying to tell you about their day. An incredibly loveable addition to the flat but sometimes you wish they’d just stop touching things as you can’t take many more shards of china going into a bin bag.
Common traits – frizzy or unruly hair, giant smile
Written by Hannah Newberry, 10 months ago
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